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What'dya think about that baby?

I have precisely 3 days left until I hit the big 25! Twenty Five!
That is half a century old people! I cannot believe it! I got Livejournal when I was about 14, maybe even 13 years old!
And here I am over a decade later, still using it! Maybe on and off, but at least I am still here! 

We had our House Warming party on Friday, and it was lovely having everyone over!
We had 26 people, family and friends. A few couldn't make it which made me a bit sad, but it was fun anyway!
I got presents, some I opened cos the people who gave them to me asked, but some I have kept back for my Birthday on Thursday!
I love Birthday's so much! It's always so nice opening cards and presents! :) 

We will be going out for a meal and I can wear a dress and it's just nice isn't it, having Birthday times! :)
Wednesday I'm going out for Birthday drinks with Tony, and that will be good too. I've planned my outfits for both I think!
Well....I say good....I dunno.....sometimes I think I'm an idiot. I live this life where I have wonderful best friends and that's great but I try to please everyone too much, and then what happens to me? Am I happy with the choices I make or the things I tell others to make them happy? I don't really know anymore.

Today I'm having a text free day.
First time.....ever! I don't think I've ever ever done it!
It's odd....I hate it but I like it........I can't explain it!

I do though think that at the moment I feel like I've been let down by all my best friends. (the ones down south anyway!)
I wont go into it on here, but I just feel very much like the only people I can rely on at the moment are my family.

This is all very Emo for a Monday morning but I just can't help it. Maybe I need to re-think things, I just don't know.
How do you make a MASSIVE choice? One that could change everything you've built for 9 months and tear it all apart?
I just don't know......I'd like to hope that people who love you and care for you would always support your choices no matter what. But I kinda think maybe that's a dodgy knife edge to sit on!!

I need/love/want/care/adore too much!!!!!!!!! I ALWAYS have to make everyone so happy! lol
Sitting in the garden (in the sun!) at our pub style bench with table watching Maisy run around and around with sticks and pieces of firewood in her mouth, I realise just how lucky I am at the moment!

Yeah life isn't perfect, and there are things I would love to change NOW, like weight wise I need to lose another 2 stone and that takes time, but in terms of my life in general I feel blessed! 

So many good people, so much love and so much happiness, I feel selfish sometimes when I get down or depressed, but I know that it's natural and we all want more from our lives than we have right now. It's human!
But in general there is so much to be grateful for and to thank for, and sometimes I think it takes tragedy like my Uncles death to realise that.

I was sat at work earlier today (I came off another long night shift and finished at 9am this morning) and I got a wave of real sadness about him passing, and as horrible as this sounds, I think I've not been very sad before about it. I was sad of course but, I didn't really cry, and I did feel that made me a bad person.

He wouldn't want me to think that way of course, but it's hard not to! It's just the way we are programmed to think and believe!
Someone we love dies - we cry. The world collapses and we have to fight to move on.
For me the world stopped and then re-started at a slower rate, but it didn't collapse. I felt that was wrong.

My uncle was a very dear man, he was loving, caring, funny, the life of EVERY party he went to and we spoke very regularly. Probably more than anyone else in my family spoke to him. Every other day perhaps, maybe every 3 days. We spoke and we facetime on the ipad/iphone and we emailed and skyped etc. Especially when Gran was over there with him.
He was just a unique person, he was special and he had endless life in him. He was just the sort of person you could always rely on, at any time! His advice, even though I sometimes didn't want to accept it, was always wise.

How can he be gone? It's so strange. One day he was there, I even facebook messaged him the day before he died. I read his emails and last messages to me, and it makes me feel....empty.......but there is parts that make me smile, and I'm lucky I have things to remember him by, like the necklace he got me with the diamonds in that spelled the letter R. 
I will wear that with such fond memories. He always bought me lovely presents! I have lots to remember him by!

And at our wedding, which he thankfully made little less than a year before he died, he danced with me and danced with my Mum and my friends, and sang at the table, and chinked the glasses to make us kiss, and gave us laughs and love and SUCH amazing memories. I thank God that he allowed him to share that day with us. And that we saw him in March, 3 months or so before he died, and we had meals out together and a wonderful time, Carl me and him and Gran, with Leo. And made new memories. Ones that will no doubt last forever.

The best thing I can say right now is this - 

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of 
all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is 

That was on the bottom signature of every email I got from Philip, and it makes me smile very much that I have all of them stored and saved. And maybe one day I'll go through them all. For now, I'm gonna sit and live in the happy memories.

New House - Moving out for the first time!

I've been married for a year now, and finally we have moved out into our own new house together!
Carl has a flat that he also owns, and I used to stay there before we got married and had a few clothes there etc but I've never moved out of my parents house fully, not even when we got married!
We were waiting for the deposit money to be saved up and it took longer than expected, so expensive! Even moving was expensive, so many costs you don't think about!

Anyway, it was worth waiting for because I now have my own walk-in-closet just for me!
I've always been into beauty and fashion and storage videos on YouTube and Organisation videos etc, but that was always trying to factor in mine and Carl's stuff into one bedroom!
Now I have my own space, and it's big! :)

It's a separate room, and it goes down two one carpeted steps, it has a white wooden door and on the wall opposite a window ledge and a white window with a blind, that leads to the flat roof. On the left immediately as you enter down is a massive black two storey hanging rail from a shop fitters, it is HUGE. It has two rails a top and a bottom and currently (after I finished doing it all last night) houses over 300 items of clothing on brown wooden hangers. The hangers were the most expensive part of doing the closet! Had to have the same! LOL!

On the far facing wall is an Ikea shoe storage system, again in pine, then a basket of smaller handbags and clutches. Then on the right hand wall is a long pine dresser with black glass top surface counter and on there is all my makeup and jewllery collections and some of my fancier shoes in their boxes. Like my wedding shoes! :) I still need to get those dyed actually!
They are gorgeous and are studded with hundreds of individual crystals from heel to toe!
Then the other wall (on the right as you enter the steps) is another single black shop fitters rail that houses all my evening and fancy dresses and some of my winter and Carl's winter coats and hoodies. Underneath the longer rail are my boots and a basket of flip flops, Birkenstocks etc etc!

(it's bigger than it looks but here is a few pics!)
The overview from the door 

The big rail! This was before all of the clothes were on there though!

My vanity! :)

So yeah, it's all amazing and I'm so happy I saved up and did this and that my lovely husband got me the rails and the hangers and helped me with it all! What a star he is! :)
The rest of the house is also falling into place too, the living room is probably my favourite of it all. It's cosy and happy and I love having my own space with Carl to have our little family life!

So life is good! Pretty much doing what I love and like and living with my lovely husband every day is great!
Going on my first night out tonight with my friend Tony, and then Carl will pick me up! :)
Just hoping that work goes quickly today and tomorrow and sunday so I can just have 3 night shifts to go! LOL!
Work, work, work! :-P Blah blah blah!

Guess who's back!? :)

Wow! It is a long time since my last post here! Over 6 months infact.
Alot has changed in my life since then.

Carl and I have found our house of our dreams, my wonderful Uncle has passed away tragically, I met one of my best friends (a boy no less, not had a boy best friend in years) who I get on with better than most people I've ever met, I went back to the natural "curly girl" no heat styling and natural way of helping my hair grow, I finished my probation period at work and am now substantive, Carl and I went on a few mini breaks and holidays and of course The Olympics are upon us! So work is pretty much 24/7 now!

Also I've lost a stone and am now down into a lower stone bracket so FINALLY a diet that works that I have actually stuck to!! Fitness wise I have been proper proper getting stuck in, gym 4-6 times a week and tonight I start Netball training at my friends netball club so that will be interesting! Not done a team sport in YEARS! Probably over a decade now! Good for weight loss too!

I think having this journal is a good thing, so I've bought it back!

I dunno how often I'll post - but here goes!
Eugh, disgusting!
This is gross, I mean...I LOVE Christmas, but why do I get so FAT from just 3 days of indulging?
I'm back to the gym tomorrow, but that wont save me I know, because I am back to eating etc a few days after that for our Holiday! May as well stuff me and cook me now!

I'm so tempted so often to just say "Fuck it" and go back to the old ways......so so tempted.
I mean, why am I sitting here being so well behaved? All it serves to do is make me MISERABLE!
Screw it!!
Hey everyone!
I'm back! I just wanted to give you guys a quick thank you, a few of you left me comments or sent me messages wishing me luck for my operation, and it did the world of good!
I am doing so so well, and am now only 2 weeks away from being back to work! :)

I'm struggling with only one thing....sleep......I don't sleep, I lie exhausted but unable to sleep, with restless legs, until 3 or 4 am and then get up at 5 or 6 am. I can barely function!! The Doctor has now today put me on Zopicone, Apparently they are a Hypnotic drug and send you to sedated sleep! Thank GOD!! I need it sooooooo bad!!! :(

Apart from the odd ache or the wound healing inside (like soft tissue) I am pretty much a normal person now!
The sleep issue is my only real issue, I am walking for about a mile a day, I am now on only one pain killer a day, sometimes none! I am seeing my surgeon on Thursday and then I can hopefully go back to Physiotherapy, rehab and fitness stuff to get myself back into shape and strengthen my back!

Tomorrow I get to see my horse, on Wednesday I am seeing a friend for lunch, on Friday I am visiting our Wedding venue again for some last measurements etc, Sunday is my God-daughter's Birthday and then Keely is coming to stay! Wahooo!! We will be going out for my Gran's Birthday which is the same day as my God Daughter's. It is gonna be a really nice week coming up! :)

Fingers crossed I will be able to sleep tonight, and I guess I will do a progress post after! LOL!
:) xxxx

Beauty/Fashion and reviews Blog

Hey guys!

Just to let you all know I have finally done what I always wanted to do and started out my Reviews and Hauls blog for beauty/skin care/hair/fashion type stuff! :)

Please do check it out and follow! :)


Surgery Countdown!

I've posted this to my BlogSpot as well, but I figured I would post it here too since it's so important....

Tomorrow is Monday, which means there are just 4 days until I am admitted to Hospital for my surgery.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm not nervous, or that I am feeling fine about it. I'm not terrified but I am nervous, I am apprehensive.....it's all new to me, and it's all daunting.
The risk of any form of paralysis, even temporary is one in 300, and then they can usually reverse it. Then there is the risk of infection, that is low too but obviously more common, and then risk of the disc just herniating again, even after the surgery.

I can't however, sit and mull over possible complications. The fact is, I have to look at myself truthfully and say...can I carry on my life if I decide not to go ahead with it? And the answer, honestly, is no.
I can't get out of bed easily, I can't get anything off the floor unless I kneel down, the pain is worse every day and just blowing my nose whilst sitting down makes me almost pass out! I certainly couldn't do my job like I am at the moment. Whereas they tell me that within 3 months of the surgery, I will be back to the way I was before Christmas, and I can get back to work, back to my life. This isn't my life, this is like I am living someone else's life, and whilst I'm always grateful for what I have, I know that this is a condition that needs fixing and I need to take that leap of faith, put myself into the care of the surgeons and doctors and nurses and just let go of my usual obsessive "control"

Funnily enough my main fears, are that firstly I have to be intubated, which means they put a tube down my throat/airway when I am under the General Anesthetic, and then put onto a Ventilator which is a machine that breathes for me whilst I am under. I'm scared of that, it hurts your throat and they can't take it out until you are awake, and the thought of chocking on it as they take it out makes me feel really scared!
Then there is the thought of being hooked up to all the machines, drips, cannulas, needles and tubes. I know they are for good, and I have done it once before when I had my epidural, but that was not under General Anesthetic and I didn't have to have a drip etc, and definitely not a ventilator. I have NEVER had an operation before, and I've never really had a GA before!
Then my last fear, and this one is a bit babyish, but my last fear is staying overnight in a hospital all by myself for 2-3 nights. As I have my own room, I wont even see anyone, and I will be in that room all by myself for a few days and nights, the days will be OK as Mum and Dad and Carl will come and visit, and my friends from work are planning a visit on Friday and then Sandra should be coming over too. But the nights? I'm just a bit apprehensive about the nights. I-pod I guess! :)

So...tomorrow is gonna be a day of relaxing and re-organising my wardrobe and drawers, just generally chilling out and relaxing. I have pushed myself all weekend to do stuff so my back is even worse now and tomorrow I just need one of those "Don't leave the house" days in-front of the TV! :)
Then Tuesday will be my packing for hospital day. I have to bring lots of stuff and I wanna make sure I have all my toiletries and make up etc! You know me! Can't go without makeup, even at hospital! LOL!
Wednesday will be a busy day, as I will be going to say goodbye for a couple of weeks to my precious horse Domino, giving him kisses and cuddles, as I wont see him for at least 2 weeks. But with holidays in the past, it wont be the longest time hopefully that I've been without him! :) Then I have to go and have my eyebrows waxed, followed by my hair done, as I am not allowed to shower properly for a few days, and with all the being in bed, having my hair put into the hair cover thing etc, curls would just be a huge mass of knots! So I have to have it done! :)

I'm hoping to sleep on Wednesday night....but I have my doubts!!

Longest gap between blogs blog!

So my friend Lenny sent me a message on facebook asking for an update on stuff and that I never update this anymore etc. And it made me think that yeah, I don't update this much anymore! Boo! :(

Life is good right now, just trying to plan the wedding and getting to the gym, the later of which has been a real challenge as I slipped at work and my hip has never really been the same since. The doctor says it's only muscular which is a relief! So weight loss = SUCKS right now.

I've been really getting into the wedding planning at the moment and flipping through magazines always makes me happy, because your wedding day is just such a beautiful day and one where you don't need an excuse to have a sparkly, over indulgent, girly floaty day that is 50% if not more about you!

So we just came back from LA where we stayed for about 5 days, I'm ridiculously jetlagged because the flight was 11 hours and then I went straight to work and did a night shift, followed by going to Smithfields Market for our last 7 nights team drink up (It's a market in London that has 24 hour drinking and food pubs!) so halfway through I realised I had been awake and not eaten for hours and hours and went so dizzy, I literally almost passed out and had to fight it so much!
I was shaking and so cold and had to borrow my friend Dave's coat and I thought I was gonna faint! I had to eat some toast and a pint of coke really fast! :(

It was good though and I took the train home with Victoria who lives near me and then I was so tired I had to get cab home from the station! :( I felt awful, I felt like the walking dead! So I had a nap and soon I am gonna head off to bed properly and have the best nights sleep ever!

I'm going to post a big USA blog post soon, with photos and what we did. So I'll post that either tomorrow or Wednesday :) xx

Writer's Block: Lean on me

How do you define a true friend? What would lead you to end a friendship?

Well....that is a good question....and one that's rather apt to me at the moment!
A true friend is one who would never say a bad word about you intentionally without any reason, a true friend is one who you feel you can tell anything to and not feel worried about them telling others or betraying your trust. A true friend is one who puts effort into a friendship, not just letting all the responsibility of contact or effort lay on YOU.

I have recently decided that the loss of one friend was justified, because I cannot be the only one to blame for our lack of contact. It takes two. It's ridiculous to assume only I should contact her and not the other way around EVER. It is a two way street!

But the true friends that I have, who are rare and special to me, I would die for!
:) xxxx